Dallas-Still in a Mood

I'm in a mood.

Sitting home, in a mood.

Confused, still, unhappy, happy, not sure, maybe, what should I think?

It's late, not too late, but later than we usually talk at night.

Going on 11:00. Not terribly late, but late, still.

Especially since she's having dinner, heck, practicallly on a date with Todd.

No, not a date, but close, maybe too close. Maybe a date; I don't know.

I still don't know how to feel. Different than ever before; different than Evan; different.

maybe because she won't be home for two more weeks.

Maybe because I'm in in chastity.

Maybe because I'm frustrated, sexually.

Maybe because I don't like the idea of her flirting with a guy.

Maybe because I LOVE the idea of her flirting with Todd.

maybe because I love her more than any other woman I've ever known, ever, ever.

The duality of it.

Loving her flirting, loving her on a quasi-date.

Yet hating it just the same.

Loving it and hating it.

Love/hate.

I'm in a mood and so confused and I don't know what to feel.

I could have told her no, but I did not, I did not.

Maybe I feel guilty, then, because I said said yes by not saying no.

And so I'm in a mood.

Waiting for her to call.

Thinking of her with a guy.

Wishing she'd call now.

Thinking of her with Todd.

Do I want her to call or do I want to lay here, feminized, swollen in chastity, thinking about her, thinking about the Todd I've never met, thinking about how much I love her and she loves me.

Is sex with a guy good or bad?

Is it good or bad?

I want it and don't; I love it and hate it.

So I'm in a mood.

And I love her and miss her.